/US

Tragedy at Milwaukee Zoo

August 4, 2007 (Milwaukee, WI): Everything appeared to be going smoothly for a local company’s annual family gathering on the Milwaukee County Zoo grounds. Then tragedy struck as a large deranged man had different intentions.

A portable rock climbing exhibit placed within the boundaries of the privately reserved picnic area was the scene for this horrific tragedy. At approximately 10:42 AM (CDT) a man, unnoticed by the attendants and described as “quite rotund”, climbed the exhibit causing the apparatus to fail and collapse into a shocked crowd. Screams from the crowd “It’s tipping!” and “Oh, the humanity!” were heard before the collapse. Although injuries were minimal to the spectators, the ground shock could be felt for miles. Some in the audience compared the impact to the collapse of the “Big Blue” crane at Miller Park which occurred in 1999.

Photos gathered from a spectator at the scene show the equipment before and during the collapse. The second photo clearly shows the steel support braces giving way under the intense load. All other pictures have been confiscated to assist with the investigation.

Tito Germain Franco, the operator of the interactive display was not shocked. “This equipment was not designed to handle this large of a load, señor”. He further stated “I did not see him sneak on…he must have incredible speed for his size.” Tito is currently undergoing a psychiatric evaluation and has been cleared of any possible charges of negligence or operator error.

The man, whose name has not yet been released, is described by some of his acquintances as a large “Clydesdale-like” man with a penchant for the same gender, large burritos, and strip clubs. Further investigation revealed he is a trained engineer employed by the company for which the outdoor picnic was set. Investigators were dumbfounded. “How a man trained in a similar field of technology can’t anticipate such a large load affecting this structure is beyond me” Investigator Rufus vonDinkle fumed. “He is either crazy or drunk” he added.

The reasons for the man’s actions remain under investigation but several leads have recently developed. While medical assistance was given to the deranged man, he kept repeating to the authorities “hide all the orange scrunchies”. The meaning of this is unknown. His estranged wife, currently hiding in Las Vegas, Nevada, could not be located for comment.

Milwaukee County Zoo official Klem Sczrodiniskinek stated “We have had a similar incident here in the past with Gigi falling (referring to a 9 ton elephant falling through a bridge) and we have recovered. I do not see this affecting the Zoo’s operations.”

Al Qaeda member: U.S. embassies targeted

Congress expands U.S. power to eavesdrop